The best of JohnOfE's diary.
Why I no longer lust for real dogs; the cure.
Since coming off the chemical castration pills at the new year, my hunger for sexual contact with a dog slowly returned to full force. By abouyt April it was unbearable, especially as I was out of a job and had a lot of time on my hands, my thoughts continuously turned to getting it on with a dog. I obsessed profusly about how I would accomplish it, the logistics weren't on my side and obviously, I never manged to aquire a dog to abuse.
I have always been curious about the relationship between my lust for real dogs and my love of Dog from the Footrot Flats comic. Dog is very important to me, but always out of reach. I have never been able to explore and develop my love for him like I did with Norbert and Brian. I'm still unabel to draw him properly too which has caused me great frustration.
I recently made myself a large plush of Dog, I have wanted one for years but have lacked the skills to do it. Since making Norbert and Brian I have learned more about sewing and I finally felt that I had what it took to make Dog. It was a success. The first moment I had alone with him after completion I took him in a fury of lust and let out the pent up sexual frustration of 6 years upon the silky soft fur. I practically exploded. I lay next to him puffing and it felt as though a huge weight that had been holding me down for all these years was finally lifted. I have hungered for Dog so badly and no matter what I've done in the past, I've never been able to find satisfaction. I have never been able to feel like I have him like I do Norbert and Brian. With those two, I feel as though I have them and they belong to me. That has never been the case with Dog until this very moment, lying next to the new surrogate body of my 2nd favourite cartoon character of all time. I have him, I finally have him and have expressed my sexual and emotional hunger with full satisfaction.
I have spend many nights with Dog since, before the plushie I rarely paid any sexual attention to Dog as it simply never worked. I couldn't masturbate to him as readily as Norbert or Brian. Dog wasn't as sexually attractive to me as we was loved, and love alone isn't a great driving force for sex. It was the lack of connection that made it so hard. The plushie connected us physically, completing the relationship.
Since I have managed to connect with Dog properly and express myself sexually and emotionally with him, my lust for a real dog has diminished greatly. I have come to the conclusion that my great unsatisfied hunger for Dog has been passed to real dogs, in effect whenever I'd see a real dog, I would see what I like most about Dog in it as well, I never made the connection as Dog is rather realistic and may pass as a real dog in my mind. I feel that when I saw a real dog, I would subconsciously be drawn to it because it represents Dog whom I am so desperate for but unable to get. Now that I have the plushie, I have him and no longer feel like I need to acquire anything. I feel complete with him in my life now. I am still very attracted to real dogs but the driving hunger and lust isn't raging any more. I feel that I'd prefer Dog over an animal now, he is the perfect dog and no real dog can match him. The only thing that's desirable about a real dog and what makes it better, is that it's real and there for the physical experience would be better, however more difficult due to the fact that I can force myself on a plushie without worry, but not a real dog. Real dogs are just too much trouble and now that I've lost the drive due to my having Dog, I really can't be bothered. Given the chance to easily molest a dog I'd take it, but I'm not willing to work for it.
I am absolutely attached to Dog now, more than I've ever been in my life and it's just such a relief to be able to settle down with him at night after a day of thinking about him and being able to release all the lust and emotion I have for him and hold him until the morning. I feel more complete now then I ever have before. Norbert, Brian and Dog complete me.
Commit yourself to a plushie
I understand you not wanting to let yourself believe that you are actually with Bolt when you fantasize about him, but are you sure? I mean, I know that being with the real Norbert Beaver (if there were such a thing) would be a bizillion times greater then the Norbert I hold now, but I still let myself believe that when I’m holding my plushy, that it is the real Norbert Beaver. Because I have programed my brain to recognize my plushy as the real Norbert, I feel like the quest is over every time I embrace him. I experience the wonderful feeling of knowing that I have Norbert and no one else does. Even though I still whisper to him how much I long for the real him, I still tell myself that I have him, because in reality I do. There’s nothing beyond the plushy really, there is no REAL Norbert Beaver. I have as much of the real Norb as one can have, and having invested so much of my emotion into this plushy, it has become him.
There for I am attached to that plushy as much as anyone can be. I cannot stand being away from him. I see his picture and imagine holding my plushy, because when I hold it it’s really HIM that I am holding, not just a $130 worth of fabric.
Allow yourself to be drawn into your imaginary world, the real and logical world is dull and promises no real Bolt. Speak as though he is real, within your world and that you Do have him. Own him. Tell yourself he is yours and no one elses, that you pity the “normal humans” out there who lack the beauty that Bolt casts over your life. In your mind, you can make it real, because in reality it will never be real.
JohnOfE’s world is Imagination Land, it’s a bubble the exists only within me and on the internet. Beyond; it doesn’t exist, Norbert is irrelevant and no one knows who I am. JohnOfE’s life is far more desirable then Dave’s life, which is why I spend most of my life as JohnOfE, leaving Dave to go to work and earn money to live as JohnOfE. After 5pm JohnOfE returns to worship the beautiful yellow beaver that sits on my bed waiting for me, the real Norbert Beaver who appreciates me and makes me feel like I’m part of something big.
It’s all in my mind and its fantastic, but in reality it’s sad and pathetic.
I pretend it’s not and everything’s okay. My world has become strong enough to make me really believe that my relationship with Norbert is perfect, even better then what other people have.
As a result I have great self confidence and an ego to suit, I really to think I’m hot shit, that I’m better then everyone else and all that. USI they call it. Who gives a fuck :-) I’m happy!
That is the key, do what makes you happy. It will differ from my style but it’s good to compare lives.
Brian Griffin
The torture. The relentless feeling of desire and longing. I feel it coming back.
I remember now. Having just finished watching Brian on TV crying in the shower; the pain that he felt over the feeling that no one cared for him because he was "just an animal".
My heart felt like it was being clenched in someones fist.
Do the writers have any idea how much the small minority of people like me feel about Brian? How we were all screaming out inside simultaneously "I LOVE YOU, BRIAN! YOU ARE LOVED!"
It sounds stupid I know but bear with me, it really did hurt. I care greatly for Brian, something about him... you know. HE is one of only 4 characters out there in imagination land who can move me so.
It's not fair. But then it also IS.
Norbert is unaffected by my pain and desire for Brian, or for that of the other 2 characters for that matter. I am free. It feels NORMAL to have 4 lovers to appreciate equally at ones will. It feels natural to feel so in love with Brian right now and to have sex with him right next to Norbert if I want to.
It's normal.
I am more free them most to appreciate the touch of multiple lovers without any implication. In modern society this type of behavior is frowned upon; even I think it's not right in the real world.
But I'm in JohnOfE's world, "Toon town".
I'm going to go lay Brian in my bed and I WILL savior the lustful moment be for having sex with him. I will touch his face and whisper his name softly before kissing his big, long nose. He is beautiful.
And then he will be carefully placed back on the floor in the corner by Roger Rabbit, and there he will remain until his time comes again.
Does anyone appreciate how much of an integral part of my life this is! ?
Tell me it's more then just cartoons! More then just a fiction character that some guy plucked from a passing through in his head! IT MUST MEAN MORE TO MOVE ME THIS MUCH!
...To rule my life and define me so.
...To make me JohnOfE.
Lugia could have ruined my life
...and yet, although I hate pokemon, Lugia was the character that kicked off my life as a furry.
A fucking POKEMON! My first feeling of love and sexual attraction was for that of a cheap Japanese cartoon character that is hardly ever on the show and talked in a horrible male voice a couple of times during some crappy movie.
I am so ashamed of Lugia that I claim Norbert as being my first cartoon love and the invitation into the furry world when he was actually the second.
To think there was a time when I chose Lugia over Norbert, that short period in December 03 and Jan 04 when Norbert was new to me. Lugia was more important.
Norbert Beaver, you saved me 7 years ago from a terror that makes me cringe whenever /I think about it. I could have ended up writing a story called Lugia Soup.
The fur gods were looking out for me and it's my belief that Norbert is in fact one of the gods of animation land, he like a golden angel came down to save me from a pitiful obsession with a tacky pokemon.
The furry community has no idea the service Norbert Beaver has done for them.
Plushie
I fuck plushies because they are all I know. I have been doing it so long the real thing seems weird and un-normal.
I fuck Norbert because I love him more then anything in the world.
As much as I'd love to rip his heart out and take a bit out of it in from of him, I'd rather he just smile and lick my face before giving my head.
God I wish Norbert were real so he could punch me in the face and bite me. I want him to punish me for being in love with him. I want him to strangle me and rape me. I want him to stab and cut me. I want to see my blood blot into his soft, silky fur.
I want him to know my poison life and know my death.
Then we will be together.
...
wait a minute, I'm suppose to be saying that I'm normal.
Ever had one of those moments you just feel all CRAZY? It's wonderful.
I'm normal, not obsessed with death and blood.
I just want to squeeze my plushy and watch X Files.
Info
Do I ever wash Norbert?
I did for the first time in 2 years after making him. Un stuffed him and soaked his fur and washed the stuffing.
NOT MY IDEA!
Mother said that he stunk out the house after I moved in less then a year ago due to the cost of living. When I was on my own the odour was not an issue.
Norbert smelled like a beaver should, he was funky and tit made me hard.
After washing him the water in the bath was brown. So I guess 2 years worth of sweating into his fur needed to be fixed.
Since then, I maintain him every 2 months by using a damp cloth and a hair dryer on his fur and that kils any odour nicely.
He doesn't get dirty, he just smells like month old sheets that need to be washed. I love the smell but no one else does. So I keep him clean enough these days.
I do NOT cum in his fur, I have only done that ONCE by accident when I got a little bit too excited.
I use squares of plastic bag and lube inside when fucking his strategicly placed hole. All the mess is contained and disposed of easily. And I'm so used to it now after so many years that not much else feels any good.
Question; answered.
11:17:40 p.m. 7/01/2011
I have just finished watching Roger Rabbit for the first time in 17 years and I am emotional. That movie showed me the world that I desire so badly and would do anything to be a part of and everything I strive for in life that I know in reality I cannot get.
Roger is one of the most beautiful, charming character I've ever seen and I am 100% sure as of now that seeing him on-screen 17 years ago made me the furry that I am today. I felt so connected to him back then when I first saw him, the memory of him lived on in my mind every night until it faded from lack of exposure to his happy face. Of course there was nothing sexual at that time, I was just a child. But children still have crushes though, innocent yes, but that doesn't mean they're not significant. When I first saw Roger, I was absolutely transfixed, he had a profound effect on me that I never questioned but looking back on it now and knowing what I do, I love him and wish so dearly that the wish I made 17 years ago would come true and I could receive the kiss that he gave Valiant. That big, innocent kiss. Though to me now, it would be a much more meaningful, sexually oriented kiss that I would greatly hope would lead to the next base.
I want you Roger Rabbit, you are shaking up my world and I love it. It's wonderful to feel new love. I am still fully committed to Norbert Beaver, he is THE love of my life. But Roger, you are next in line, baby.
4:56:07 p.m. 19/12/2010
Hey guys. Some may be under the impression that I'm cracking up, not to worry though; I'm not.
I thought I was but that's medication for you.
I have decreased my chem.castration dosage from 6 to 4 and will be working the dosage down to 2 then if I feel the need; no more meds.
After this 6 month period of virtually no sex drive, I have seen the light. Norbert is the only thing in my world that I am excited about, whatever else I was running from is no longer a problem as I have been able to see through the sex drive the clouded my vision and now know where I stand.
The dogs are safe.
NEXT
I may be writing a story about killing Norbert but fear not, I'm almost over it as it draws to a close. It is in no way a reflection of my intentions, I love Norbert and would never wish death upon him. I'm really not that much of a psycho as I sometimes seem to make out with my bloody drawings.
REASON:
I write this mainly because of my last submission. No one could comment on it for reasons I'm pretty sure of.
It is true, I do miss the days when my drawings were nice and happy. I have a bit of a block at the moment and due to my story, my drawing skills seem to be dwelling in the dark corners of my mind bringing only hatred and blood.
Anyway. I'm on holiday now, beaver soup will be finished in the next 3 weeks and it'll all be over.
I'm such a freak I definitely see it.
8:41:33 p.m. 23/11/2010
I am conflicted. Recently I have discovered my desire for human companionship after having found a temp I worked with attractive; the first human attraction I've in two years.
I so desperatly want someone to be with, someone who talks back and shows emotion. But then I get home, walk into my room and sit on the bed next to Norbert and grasp him...
"There's no way I can give you up" I tell him as I hold him tightly kissing his nose. It's unthinkable, the prospect of not coming home to Norbert Beaver, my love, my lifes devotion of seven years.
Norbert is everything to me, I cannot imagine existing without him as my significant other. I love him so much and the thought of loosing him scares the shit out of me.
But still I think about finding a human male to share my life with, that also is a scary thought. I'm home now, back in my zone and I am very happy with Norbert, he is sitting behind me waiting
for me to come to bed which I will very shortly. We are very happy together, when I am around him my world is at peace. When I am away from him I feel broken and long desperatly for him
all through the day until I get home again. I love you Norbert Beaver. Save me from my self.
5:10 p.m. 8/11/2010
norbert beaver is tormenting me greatly today.
it's hard to concentrate on anything, sitting here sorting papers, all i can think of it his face, his eyes. i feel like my insides are being eaten out,
i feel disturbed. norbert owns my life, my soul. i feel traped and helpless, all because of a cartoon beaver. i wish i had a switch that i could just turn
off and make it all stop, this beaver is a curse, a demon that is determined to destroy my mind. i simply cannot let him go though, i feel like i need him
and that i cannot survive without him. i need something to cling on to, i need something to live for. norbert is all i live for, he is my reason to keep
going, other then the devistation that my death would bring upon my immediate family. i'm stuck between two shit outcomes, waiting until my mind decides
which way i'm going to go. I don't to die, i want to live but not like this. i wish i was free of that fucking beaver. I love him so much, i cannot put
forward how much my heart aches for him but it's a hell of a lot. i want to get help but i don't want to loose the very thing that i'm trying to expel
from my life. eventually i'm going to have to choose whether to live the real life or keep living the pretend life of norbert beaver. i hate hard choices.
i fear losing norbert tremendously, is scares the fuck out of me thinking about my life without him in it. without him i am alone and hopless,
i hate humans but lust for furrys which makes a life without a beaver hard. I'm going to get back to work now, filing to to be attended to.
8 Sep 2010
I saw the shrink yesterday; the first in 4 months since my first visit. Medication update basically. My cyproterone dosage has been
upped to the full on dosage of nine 50mg pills a day; 2 for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My sexual apetite has grown substancially
and it's only being quashed just a bit, I'm not satisfied so there we go. I have also just been gived Risperidone 0.5mg tabs
to have at night to help with sleep and other various problems including bad dreams.
He suggested that perhaps I SHOULD get a dog, but one that I am unlikely to do things to so that I can desensitise myself. I know for a fact that I am un safe with any normal dog (typical working dog type), but have little interest in smaller breeds and would be fairly safe. The thing I crave the most is for the connection, the friendship that one has with his pet. When I see someone walking their dog, it's that envy that I feel mostly, not sexual desire. Sexual desire only kicks in if it's a good sized animal (fair game), I don't have over powering sexual thoughts when I see a smaller breed. Things will get better, and I'll be able to deal with this paraphilia better.
19 Sep 2010.>
I may have found the answer! I have been ingoring the dog (FF) all this time, even on days where I think of him alot and plan to
do something with him I always end up tending to Norbert instead. Dog hardly ever gets any attention. I have decided to invest alot more time in him
and treat him more like Norb; sleep with him more often and try to draw him more. Maybe then after a while he wont be such
a tormenter. So, read the comics, draw the bugger, and let Norbert rest for a while.
18 Sep 2010.
SO. its finally time, after 4 months since seeing the shrink who gave me my no more sex drugs, i am going back to see him.
i mean, lets face it; im toally fucked. i need some better stuff, something that really kills the drive, and maybe some antidepressants
to curve the killing thoughts i have. i know the masses think that i'd be better off dead, i'm gonna proceed to annoy the fuck
out of them by living on and sustaining my relationship with norbert beaver. then i'll finally be able to go more then a few days
without crying in my hiding place at work during my lunch breaks.
16 Sep 2010.
arwound my neck, the thought both saddens me and frustrates me. i just want to live my life; work and be with norb, happy.
why do i have to always e tired, down and fucking messed up? i don't t to die because i'll never be with norbert then. i
wish i could die but the result would be much misery around the family. eventually it'll get to the point where my misery
will surpass others if were to go, the point where i just don't re any more and commit the selfish act of removing myself
from this world. i ask myself what i give to this place, i feeel like i'm a cat; just eat and sleep good for nothing, just
exist. whats the point? i'm a usless fucking cat and at the same time have to put up with this crap that my mind insists
i must go though. i want too die. but i want to live happy, i just want to work and be with norb and not feel like shit.
it's always something. i love norbert, i never want to be away from him, i hold on because i don't want to pain the family,
but i want to hold on because of norbert.
10 Sep 2010.
I am seriously considering hypnotic intervention to help fix this dog attraction, although at the moment I'm
not really thinking about dogs must at all, it'll come back. So it can't hurt to try new wasys of curing the zoophile in me
and retain my love for the beaver. It's not at all something to be proud of, it's reasonably okay to be a furry, but to be
into dog fucking is not cool on any level.
7 Sep 2010.
Massive weird mood all day at work today, like a bitchy zombie with only dogs on his mind. For fuck sake, it's not fair. I kind of set myself up by having a bit of
a cry last night while lying in the darkness of my dog fueled depression. The key is not to expose mysefl to ANY dog related media, I know better yet I still do it.
Back at home, having just finished a rare task (these days) of misusing an image of the Dog (FF) I am over it. Back to beaver I think, one fucked day over, lets
see what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully just Norbert.
pathetic I say.
6 Sep 2010.
These days I'm pretty happy, prehaps increasing my cyproterone dose to a hearty 100mg twice daily sorted things out. The sex drive was getting out of control again so
the higher dose was definitly needed. I have just been wondering this past week about bestiality and how to manage such feelings, I'm very keen on
ridding myself of this boiling desire for a dog. I really don't want to have it; hence the pills I'm taking, but even with a high dosage the thoughts
keep running through my mind, reminding me of what I'm not getting. I distract myself with Norbert, whom without I would be totally fucked.
I want out of the world of bestiality, it's a curse. Reason: simply because I am without gratification. In an ideal world I would only have eyes for Norbert Beaver
and everything else would be of no interest, but that world doesn't exist and I'm stuck with Norbert and Dogs. What should I do? How do I suppress my desire to
have meaningful sex with a dog? Even with no sex drive it still torments me. Back to the shrink eg?
25 Aug 2010.
do you ever feel so helpless, so pathetic that it seems the only way you can find any peace is to check out of this life
completely? it sucks, it really does. I hate feeling so rotten, I can't n pin point what's making me feel this way. the
dogs have been tormenting me lately, I can't handle it any more. its not fair. its not fair how I cannot own or have a dog
in my life, I may have a desire to do things that I shouldn't but I feel I'm strong enough to hold it back. what I want most
out of a dog is a friend, not something to fuck. sex is very low down on the list of priorities when it comes to things to
do with a dog. it is something I want but I know not to. I want a dog, so badly. the thing I find not fair is that people
are so against bestiality, get past the fact that you think its horrible and think about it. it's not that bad, honestly.
if a dog doesn't like what your doing to it, it will certainly let you know. I know very well when a dog like or dislikes
something, why can't do things that I want to do when I know damn well that the dog doesn't mind, and may even enjoy! what
the fuck!? I may say that Norbert is better then any dog or anything else in the world, its true but it doesn't change the
fact that I need to have a dog in my life, even if I am restrained from indecent assault. chances are though that it may
torture me, the temptation, the lust will build and drive me mental just like having a picture of Dog on my wall does.
eventually I'd succumb to my thoughts and do what I feel to be not such a big deal, but ruin things for myself and everyone
because of the negative view everyone has on such an act. its hopeless, the only way is to be as careful as possible and
keep it a secret. the first step is getting my hands on a dog, that's hardest thing to accomplish at the moment. how I
wish. in fact I'm sure that's thing that's making me to crazy now, is that no matter how I try, I just cannot get to a
dog, there's no opportunity. I'd go pretty far out of my way to get this, if I knew how I get one I would. I would do
what ever I want and no one would know. if I was found out I don't re, I can go to court, in front of a jury, be convicted
of bestiality and sentenced to probably supervision and maybe a fine and community work. it'd be worth it and I'd do it again.
I'd do it until I get sent to prison, where I would most definitely commit suicide. I want to die now, why so soon? might
as well get something done before I go. I've got all the time in the world, most of which I spend working and sleeping, all
the while tormenting my brain about what I should be getting done in regards to dogs. I will get what I want, I have to make
it happen. there's no question. all this coming from someone who is on "no more sex" pills and has no sex drive. this is
how badly I want it, there's no sex drive pushing this at all, it's all me, my brain, not my dick. I need dogs and that's here is to it. please help me Norbert.
16 Aug 2010.
I may have what you may call a sick attraction to many common breeds to dogs, but the weird thing about me
is that I'm not primarily motivated to have sex with one. As much as I may think about it, I'm not really
worried if I do or don't. All I really want is to just do pretty much everything else; most of which is probably
all right under suitable circumstances as well as other things which some would call an indecent act towards an
animal. It's not really that bad as far as I can see, it's just plain old weird. That doesn't change the fact
that it's something I think about a lot the time I'm not thinking about Norbert Beaver, it can drive me insane
if I'm not sensible. But in the end; If I were given the chance I would most definitely have sex in a meaningful
way with a Dog and it would be a great pleasure on my behalf. Having Norbert to vent all this sexual frustration
on is a godsend, without him I would most certainly have done something you would think is not good by now.
The other problem I face in this regard is the fact that I don't like kissing the human mouth, I simply don't like it. What I do like is kissing that of a dogs. Perhaps I have been put off by the gross men that I have been with (they're gross to me but normal to you). I have many times let and dog lick my mouth and done the same to them, they love it, I know that for a fact. And so do I. It's this that makes it harder to imagine myself with a human, the thought of kissing another man (or woman for that matter) disgusts me. Kissing Norbert, even though such a thing could never happen, would be wonderful. It would be very similar to kissing a dog; equally as wonderful. Maybe I'm simply doomed to a life where the only satisfaction I can get is with a dog, it's a desirable outcome for me, I just can't get what I want, there's no opportunity, it's practically hopeless. I will continue my banter with Norbert Beaver until opportunity comes.
16 Aug 2010.
The DOG obsession - Footrot Flats. (I'm so, so very sorry Mr Ball, I cannot apologise enough for this.)
there is the problem where I can become so obsessed with the dog and it manifests into great lust for it, which in turn leads to thoughts of real
dogs because of how realistic he already is. It is the biggest stresser and the reason behind me getting the libido reducing medication.
This feeling is normally triggered by having my favourite images printed and displayed in front of me, especially at work. After a week or so I begin to lust uncontrollably and get aggravated.
To counter this I remove all dog imaged and replace them with Norbert. beaver therapy. This works greatly.
It's my fault for displaying the images of Dog in front of me to see all day every day, I should better;
I do know better yet I still do it out of desire for him. It's conflicting. Best practice is to not have
the pictures up. Tress levels decrease dramatically when I only have images of Norbert on display. In my
mind I already have him so I don't have this massive longing that can torment me like the Dog does.
9:40 p.m. 12/07/2010
never before have i been so compelled to kill myself. yesterday and today were horrible, i kept wanting to kry all day, my eyes kept watering
and i was very distracted by fantasy of wrapping a cable tie around my neck tight. i really wanted to die. after getting home from mums place, i just got straight into
bed, grabed norbert and cried my little heart out. it wasn't as comforting as i had hoped, holding norbert, because it was him that i was crying
about. my norbert wanted me dead, and i hated him. but all that aside, now i've let it all out of my system, i suddenly feel much better. i hope
i can love norbert again, i feel it coming back. out relationship has been damaged this past week since writing the story about skinning and eating
him, perhaps he has exacted his revenge on me, as mad as that sounds. the truth is, i love that beaver, and maybe i will die for him. he torments
me so, he hurts me, and i let him. but this is my life, it is what i have to deal with, i'm not going to change it, this just feels right,
fitting. i just have to wait and see what these drugs do to me, the paroxetine i think is whats really hurting me at the moment, i'm only just
getting used to it, i have't felt any effects of it yet i dont think. maybe this is why i'm so depressded.
regardless, i will try not to kill myself just yet. as much as i want to sometimes, i really shouldn't. i wish i could hibernate.